Slithershanks: Role models

Slithershanks looked coldly out the window, his expression resembling a Charles Bronson glare, only without the intelligence. It was a fearsome sight.

“What on earth are you up to?” asked Riseranks, looking exactly like a cuddly toy doesn’t. “Are you developing an interest in cryogenic freezing or something?

“No, Doll. I’m working on my inner psychopath. I have been reading a book on it – ‘The Wisdom of Psychopaths.’”

“Yes, well I found ‘The Gentle Side of Hitler’ a huge chuckle. And ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Callous Siberian Prison Guards,’ by Joseph Stalin was a lovely little dalliance in the kinder aspects of the human condition. I can see exactly where you are coming from.”

“No, seriously, Doll, there is a lot to this psychopath thing. For instance, psychopaths have a variety of attributes, such as personal magnetism, mass graves in their back yard, a genius for disguise and a tendency to commit homicides that involve freezing body parts in the fridge. They really are a fascinating lot of fun guys.”

“I can’t wait to have nothing to do with them. Pity I can’t have nothing to do with you.”

“Doll, psychopathy is like sunlight.”

“What, you mean it burns your eyes if you look at it too long?”

“Well, yes, but regulated exposure can be good for your Vitamin D levels. And we all need our Vitamin D.”

“You know, Slithershanks, I don’t quite know how to break this to you, but I don’t think you have the skills to be a psychopath. Perhaps if you did an MBA you might eventually raise yourself to the level of a sociopath. But it will take you years I’m afraid, me old Slith. You are just going to have to get used to being a waste of space. You do that really well. In fact, when it comes to being a management black hole, you’re the guy. Or, more accurately, you are not the guy. You’re not anything really. You should be proud of that. Goodness, they pay you a handsome wage to be not there at all. That has to count for something.”

“Hmmm. Maybe I could ask for a pay rise?”

“You do that, Slith. It makes as much sense as anything else.”