How can I make sure I am heard?

I am the only woman in a team of eight men and I am frustrated because I can never make myself heard in meetings. I am frequently cut off, spoken over and not heard. Often I will suggest an idea, no one will hear or acknowledge it and 10 minutes later someone else will say that same thing and everyone will think it’s a good idea. Help! How do I make myself heard?

You are not alone. I have worked with countless women representing a diverse range of experience and seniority who at times experience similar frustrations. A place to look for answers is how you currently communicate and to establish the reality of what’s happening. Let’s look at communication first.

‘The meaning of your communication is the response you get’ – Richard Bandler. Therefore, if you are not getting the response you desire it’s time to change the way you are communicating.

Look at what’s in your control and what is not. How you communicate is something that is in your control and will impact the response you get. However, be mindful and let go of what’s outside of your control. How others behave towards you is not in your control – how you respond, is!

Author, Dr Phyllis Mindell, in her book How to Say it for Women talks about how women unwittingly use communication styles that sabotage their messages and the ability to succeed. She talks about ‘where weak language sabotages, powerful language enables us to take control’.

Below are some tips from her book to help you communicate more powerfully to get the results you want.

• Find and copy the language of women and men who succeed.
• Avoid the following ineffective techniques to be heard: shouting down; repetition; talking fast to cram ideas in before you are interrupted or waiting for a break that never comes.
• Break the ‘I’ habit. The over use of ‘I’ undermines your credibility. We have been taught to use ‘I’ – I think, I feel, I believe. ‘I’ messages are effective for personal and intimate communication and when you are talking about yourself and your feelings, however in a work situation it’s overuse can undermine you and have the impact of: attaching blame for issues that don’t belong to you; implying that you are not sure of the facts; encourage the use of touchy-feely emotional words rather than action verbs that drive powerful language; run the risk of being labelled overly emotional, therefore damaging your credibility.
• Avoid using the equally ineffective ‘you’. You make me feel, etc. ‘You’ messages can result in people feeling defensive and also impact our integrity by attributing our feelings and emotions to someone else.
• Distance yourself for power and credibility. Mindell gives the following ‘distance’ examples to dealing with interruptions to your presentations: About yourself – ‘I feel terrible when you keep interrupting me. Please hold your comments until the end’. About the person interrupting – ‘You interrupt me in the middle of my talks. Please hold your comments until the end’. About the problem (active voice) – ‘The interruptions destroy my credibility and train of thought. Please hold your comments until the end’. About the problem (passive voice) – ‘My train of thought is destroyed by the interruptions. Comments should be held until the end’. List out the problems you face at work from the distances above and copy the models and generate new responses.

As well as using Mindell’s tips and techniques take some time to establish the reality of the situation.

• What happens when you contribute in meetings?
• Are you the only person who is cut off, talked over? Or is this the norm, how you all interact together as a team?
• Who can you talk to in your organisation? Who could support you?
• Work with a mentor, someone you can learn from, take advice from and who can champion you to build your confidence and communication skills.
• Role play scenarios and how you would respond. Yes I know, we all hate role play but practising and honing your skills will reap rewards.
• Be prepared, create responses for common situations that occur, and practice.
• Focus attention on issues rather than feelings. Write down how you would respond, take a highlighter pen and highlight all the emotive words. Delete these and where necessary replace with another less emotive word.
• Look at the process of the meetings, is there an agenda? What can be implemented to ensure that everyone has an opportunity to contribute? Coming from the perspective that great ideas, solutions and strategy may be lost if the environment doesn’t allow for everyone to be able to contribute. This way it’s about a positive outcome for the business rather than about you.
• Buy Mindell’s book, it is a fabulous resource full of case studies, exercises and useful tips and techniques.

Another common scenario that many women experience is the situation you described when an idea is presented, not taken up and 10 minutes later someone else presents it to nods of approval.

Dr. Sonia Herasymowych, Ph.D., a consultant on mental diversity states the reason ideas are sometimes not acknowledged the first time they’re stated is because of differences in thinking styles.

Right-brained thinkers (women have more innate ability in right brain thinking) tend to be intuitive. They may jump to a conclusion and express it before their left-brained colleagues (most of whom are men) have arrived at the same conclusion. It is only after the discussion has logically led to the idea that it is likely to be embraced by the left-brained thinkers, says Herasymowych.

Developing a whole brain approach, using both the right and left brain will help you to become a powerful communicator. To read more about a whole brain approach read this article by Dr Kobus Neethling.

Work on your personal brand. Build and communicate the unique brand that is you. Remain true to who you are, communicate your strengths and ideas, tell your boss and directors what you contribute and back this up in writing where appropriate. Ask for advice, help and share your successes.

If you are reading this and have some useful tips and strategies to share we would love to hear from you.

Pollyanna Lenkic is the founder of Perspectives Coaching, an Australian based coaching and training company. She is an experienced facilitator, certified coach and a certified practitioner of NLP. In 1990 she co-founded a specialist IT recruitment consultancy in London, which grew to employ 18 people and turnover £11 million ($27 million). This blog is about the mistakes she made and the lessons she learned building a business the first time round and how to do it better second time round. For more information go to www.perspectivescoaching.com.au