I need fast capital. Should I try my luck with a bank?

Dear Aunty B,

I have hit a speed bump and need some capital fast due to a number of difficult events happening (as luck would have it, all at the same time).

I haven’t got time to start the capital raising process so I am thinking of going to the bank and taking out a loan, but I don’t want to provide any personal guarantees. Do you have any advice for me?

I took out a bank loan in the mid-1990s to capitalise our expansion and had no troubles.

DL (poor bugger),
Melbourne

Dear DL,

Umm… since the mid 1990s a few things have changed. It started when a mob of suited bandits snuck into the financial markets and began to manipulate them for greedy, personal gain. They fixed it so that a lot of poor buggers like you thought they had a pile of money which they then spent, when in fact they actually had bugger all and so they lost even more.

And that so upset the plans of the financial institutions that they had to go to the tax payer (who was the same bugger that just got done over) and ask for more money, which the government agreed to give on the poor bugger’s behalf.

And that put even more pressure on governments who have then told the same poor buggers that they can’t have all the good things in life that they expected.

And that in turn has so infuriated the poor buggers that in an act of despair they have decided to occupy streets in tents because they need time to figure out what the hell happened in a bit of peace and quiet.

Missed all that? Never mind. So let me put it this way. Times have changed and you have more chance of reforming the financial system than getting a business loan without personal guarantees.

But don’t let me spoil the party. Bankers have a hard life and it might do one of them some good to see a relic bowl in the door, expecting a loan without offering to put their house on the line. It will remind them of the good times.

You are going to have to think of a different approach, you poor bugger!

Be smart,
Your Aunty B

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