How do I get someone who is on my virtual team work under my direction?

How do I get someone who is on my virtual team (so is aligned to me as a resource because his sales territory and mine overlap) work under my direction? He thinks I am reporting to him and we are constantly butting heads over the strategy we should adopt with our joint client. We had a huge fight over it this morning. Neither of us report to the other and our respective management lines don’t meet until we get to the country general manager level which is about two levels above us. What can I do?

I get a sense from your email that you are incredibly frustrated by this situation – that’s understandable. I’m sure your colleague may feel the same level of frustration.

What have you tried in the past to resolve the tension between yourself and your colleague?

You mentioned that you are looking for a way of getting your colleague to work under your direction, however you also mention that neither of you report to the other. What’s this about?

My question is – what’s the real issue?

Thinking back over the last 10 interactions with your colleague what has happened? Take some time to write this down. Then reflect back over what you have written and look to see if there are any patterns that you can identify in the interactions, then record your insights.

What would your ideal business relationship with this person be like? Write down a brief description. Now put on the shoes of your colleague – how does it look from their perspective?

I would encourage some honesty about how might you be contributing to this dynamic.

Let me share a story with you. Six months ago we had some renovations done on our house. The person who was doing the work enquired about what I did for a living, when I told him he replied, “I’m into self-development, it has changed my life.” I got very curious and asked how.

He told me that one day he realised that shouting at his son wasn’t working. His 15-year-old son wouldn’t stay in the same room as him and the relationship was incredibly tense. He also realised that changing his son was not working, so it was time to work on himself. Every night for a year, for one hour a week he spent time in his study “working on himself”. He read books, searched online and chatted to a trusted friend when he got stuck. To make sure he stuck to the plan, he decided to give up one TV program a week, so whenever his wife sat down to watch this program he went into the study. After the 12 months, he told me that three things happened:

1. He had a better relationship with his son. They weren’t best mates yet, however they were able to spend some time together. Even enjoying a Collingwood game together for the first time in years.
2. He had a better relationship with his wife and they were having more fun together.
3. He doubled the turnover of his building business.

I was so inspired by this man and his story. It reminded me that as people we are constantly demanding others to be who we want them to be, blaming them and treating them as objects. How often have we looked at a person as a problem that has to stop doing what they are doing?

Something is missing in this approach. The questions to ask are – What started the conflict? What were the behaviours on both sides? Where did it come from?

I would like to point you to a book (which I regularly recommend) called Leadership and Self Deception by the Arbinger Institute. This will be a great resource for you.

The Arbinger concept begins with the theory of behaviour that identifies the why of problematic behaviour. After extensive case studies the Arbinger team concluded that most problematic behaviour both personal and organisational stems from the same place. It begins with the opposite of the moment of truth. It’s the moment of untruth, of what they call self-betrayal. It’s a moment when you make a choice that begins a remarkable, destructive and predictable process.

They have a model of being “in the box” or “out of the box”. Often, when you are in the box with someone you invite them to be in the box with you. This becomes a pattern where blame, self- betrayal and conflict thrive. The Argbinger book will help you understand what happens when you are in the box, how to get out and how to avoid getting in in the first place. By being out of the box with your colleague you will be able to create a more productive environment for you both to flourish within.

It may be time to have an honest and open conversation with your colleague and identify the benefit to both of you finding a way of working more productively together. What would be the benefit of doing this? If you can find a place of alignment, of common interest, the “what’s in it for both of you” you may be able to create a working relationship that will serve both of you and your goals. Good luck!

You may also find some answers in a blog I wrote called Points of Agreement. As you read the story of the three sisters, think about the questions in relation to your current situation.

Pollyanna Lenkic is the founder of Perspectives Coaching, an Australian based coaching and training company. In 1990 she co-founded a specialist IT recruitment consultancy in London, which grew to employ 18 people and turnover £11 million ($27 million). In this blog Pollyanna answers questions from our readers on issues they are experiencing leading or being part of a team.  She offers insights on teams and team dynamics. For support and information on team days run by Perspectives Coaching see here. Her previous Blog for SmartCompany, 2nd Time Around was about the mistakes she made and the lessons she learned building a business the first time round and how to do it better second time round.