Our office has too many birthdays!

Dear Aunty B,

We have a problem about birthdays which is out of control. We used to be a tiny company so we started a tradition of having a cake for everyone. We would gather around, have a chat, wish the person happy birthday and eat a bit of cake a few times a year.

Now we have more than 50 staff which means a birthday cake at least once a week! Think of that! Once a week everyone being interrupted from their work, being forced to stand up, gather around and awkwardly sing an awful out of tune “Happy Birthday”. Sometimes it’s twice a week! And at the rate we are growing we could be having cake every bloody day!

Also my staff buy horrible cheese cakey things which I hate. I carry mine into my office and chuck it into the bin. Why won’t cheesecake go out of fashion? I mean who invented that oozy goo? How did someone even invent the idea? The cheese isn’t even in cake. It’s in some kind of awful biscuit crust so it’s really a big cheese biscuit masquerading as cake. I put it in the muffin basket which is another appalling variation on the cake theme invented by people on diets who delude themselves that they won’t get fatter eating muffins. (Well you will!)

Anyway, how do we return to a simple culture where a happy group of people stood around and had a bit of cake and a chat and wished a colleague a happy birthday a few times a year?

Not happy,
Melbourne

Dear Not happy,

Glad to hear things are going so well you have cake issues. In fact, judging from the size of your issues with cake, things are going really, really well! You my friend are suffering from growth pains. If you don’t like the happy birthday thing anymore change it.

I have a friend who runs a business that sides steps this whole birthday cake by giving the birthday person a day off. Before you think of the cost, consider the cake costs, the lost productivity of 50 people standing around yakking for 15 minutes and the agony of anyone over 30 who doesn’t want to have another birthday ever again.

Or give the person half a day off on a Friday afternoon. Or send them a handwritten birthday card. Or do bloody nothing like most larger businesses.

Why don’t you do this? Have cake Friday. Every Friday at 3pm, you have cake. You mention that it’s a few people’s birthdays and you celebrate any big things that have happened during the week. It will give everyone enough sugar to get through the rest of Friday afternoon and you will stay true to tradition.

And stick to cheesecake. It is obviously good for your figure.

Good luck!
Your Aunty B

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